20: Normal for Singapore: things I take for granted after five years
On the quirkier minutiae of Singapore daily life.
I relocated to Singapore from London in July 2019. As well as chickens roaming wild, there are many other oddities I’ve grown accustomed to after living here for five years. Here’s a round-up of some of the more random ones.
Bags don’t go on the floor, no matter what
Singapore has an unwavering belief that bags mustn’t go on floors, which is especially ironic for a country with the world’s cleanest floors. Presumably this harks back to a time when anything that touched the ground was considered dirty.
Whatever the reason, bagonthefloorophobia still prevails. At restaurants and cafés, miniature stools or canvas baskets are deftly provided so that bags can be kept suitably elevated. But the phenomenon is most noticeable on public transport, where commuters keep their backpacks firmly strapped to their backs, despite government campaigns insisting that ‘bag on the floor makes space for more’.
That’s Bag-Down Benny, by the way, one of the MRT’s thoughtfulness advocates (yes, really) alongside Give-Way Glenda, Stand-Up Stacey and Don’t-Fart Freddie. Just like the streets of Singapore, the floors of Singapore buses and trains are spotless, but in a rare example of civic disobedience, Benny’s advice remains unheeded and those bags remain firmly aloft, even in the most crowded carriages.
(Okay, I made up Don’t-Fart Freddie, who would be far too indecorous for Singapore’s polite society, but you can’t argue with the sentiment.)
Same-same weather
This is the Singapore weather forecast for the next two weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, millennia, etc. You will notice that it’s the same every bloody day.
In the UK, small talk about the weather has been a default opener for polite conversation since time immemorial, but out here the samey-ness renders such discussion pointless. There’s really only one question: raining or not? But the answer makes no difference anyway, because most of Singapore life is based indoors, precisely to shelter from both rain and heat.
Even the apocalyptic thunderstorms that happen here most days don’t merit a mention, so routine are they. In the UK, they would be front-page news for weeks. Whereas out here, on the rare occasions that the temperature dips below 25 ºC, there’s a general declaration of ‘sweater weather’.1
Always wear a vest
In 30 ºC heat and 80% humidity, you’re going to sweat. Profusely. Every day of the year. Yet you must always wear a vest.
This isn’t to keep warm, obviously, but to keep your clothing dry. Without a vest, the back of your shirt will soon be adorned with soaking wet angel wings and your armpits will gush forth like waterfalls. It’s quite extraordinary how much water your body can exude under the right conditions, so a vest provides an essential absorbent layer.
After a year or two, the increasing yellowness of one’s vests is testament to that absorbency, prompting regular visits to the Singapore outposts of Marks & Spencer, where an extensive selection of vests is surely no coincidence.
Tropical exotica
Jungle habitat pervades Singapore, hosting a range of flora and fauna that is worlds apart from the houseflies, blue tits and hedgerows of the UK, yet soon becomes equally familiar.
Every building is shared with local critters, especially the many local species of gecko. These small-ish lizards wiggle in and out of every crevice, with particular affinity for air-conditioning units, and are rather charming housemates except for their habit of leaving miniature droppings in their wake. Teeny-tiny ants are also a daily companion, often found cleaning up crumbs of food as part of a long trail, but also fond of setting up home in your laptop, for some reason.
Meanwhile, the soundtrack of Singapore abounds with tropical birdsong, with the distinctive call of the koel definitely the most notorious.
There are also cackling hornbills, screeching parakeets and twittering bulbuls, among many others, all creating a marvellously discordant chorus, not forgetting the cock-a-doodle-doos of all those free-range chickens.
It’s all normal for Singapore, and after five years it’s now normal for me.