24: Singapore pub crawl

Crawl me maybe.

Singapore does pubs in the way that LinkedIn does modesty. Humbled to announce I’m salesman of the month rings about as true as a pub declaring itself ‘Victorian London Pub’ in bright white neon.

Orfentick it ain’t. But the language of LinkedIn reflects its bullish American attitude, which blurs the line between humility and authenticity - whereas Brits are generally much more understated, much like the best kind of pubs.

It’s virtually impossible to recreate that traditional pub experience outside the UK, but that doesn’t stop people trying. To discover this first hand, I’m humbled to announce that I embarked on a Singapore pub crawl with my friend Robin one Friday evening last month.

Here’s what transpired.

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We started at self-declared modern gastropub Lad & Dad which occupies a ground-floor unit beneath an HDB¹ in Tanjong Pagar. This is the equivalent of a council estate boozer in Bayswater, but that’s where the similarity ends.

Instead of frosted windows, sticky carpets and glowering locals, L&D looks more like a posh neighbourhood chippy - in other words, exactly like a modern gastropub. Once all the rage in London, gastropubs are notorious for turning the humble pub into something pretentious, overpriced and generic - a process known as gastration.

Like almost every outlet in Singapore, there is no bar service, so we found seats outside and were handed menus that featured a grand total of two draught beers. Not a promising sign, but at least that made it quick to decide. The Guinness came quickly enough, and I’ve had worse. We ordered a scotch egg to go with it, which was pretty good, while the pigs-in-blankets were slathered in too much maple syrup².

For anyone seeking an approximation of the Great British gastropub, this, for better or worse, is one. But it fell a long way short of the old-school pub that I was craving.

For that, we headed towards tourist hotspot Boat Quay to try out The Penny Black.

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It may have screaming neon outside, but the interior of The Penny Black is pretty faithful to a pub in a big-brewery-chain sort of way.

There was extensive wooden panelling, high tables and stools, lonely men propping up the bar, speakers playing Britpop and TV screens playing sports, replica pillar boxes and jolly staff. Half of it is like an airport pub, the other half is like a theme park. And what do two halves make? A pint.

Sadly, the choice of draught pints was once again woeful. I plumped for a standard lager, which to be fair is probably what most Brits guzzle in most pubs. However it was an unexpected pleasure to rediscover my favourite childhood snack Scampi Flavour Fries, which look and taste exactly like they did 30 years ago, and which might be when this particular packet dates from.

But other than a nostalgic snack experience, my quest for a classic pub with decent cask beer in a cosy setting wasn’t going well. Stop number three - a ‘new British diner’ in expat haven Robertson Quay offered overpriced grub and fancy branded beer from Brewdog, but it wasn’t a pub by any standard definition … which left us with one final option.

The 51 bus took us east to Eunos, where the promisingly named Pig & Whistle is a neighbourhood pub offering a range of draft beer and …

It was closed.

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As I suspected, there is no substitute for the great British pub. That’s as true in Singapore as it is anywhere outside the UK, so at least that’s one thing that good old Blighty still does well.

Unsurprised but still deflated, Robin and I took our poor thirsty selves aimlessly down darkened streets, rueing our luck, before suddenly happening on a little corner place that had high stools, bar service, discreet background music, and - be still my beating heart - a hand-written blackboard of guest beers.

After ordering at the bar (hurrah!) I sat down with Robin and we finally drank our first proper pint of the night. We clinked our glasses, put the world to rights, and watched a benign party of drunks being gently dispersed by the police.

This was as close as it was going to get.

It was an American diner.

Which I am humbled to announce.

1. HDB = Housing & Development Board, the government agency which manages the housing in which 80% of Singaporeans live.

2. No such thing, says Mrs Hemming.